sayajay.net

mid april coincides with a myriad of important dates; if nothing at all, it reminds me of how much time has passed, perhaps because it upsets an overdone daily routine that makes you forget that each day is distinct.

april 15: who could forget tax day? i've unfrotunately never had the pleasure of witnessing masses of people in a 'tax rush.' crowded areas would tend to be the post-office and perhaps every financial center in town. thank goodness for the internet. april 15th is also my dad's birthday.

april 16: this day, unlike others, seems like a mix of extremes. my dad died two years ago the day after his birthday. 22-odd years ago, my friend is born. that's kind of why i think if this day as two extremes: a celebration of birth, and of death at the same time. saturday the 16th was also the annual "Cal Day\ - kind of like high school open house, except with UC Berkeley and 15 times more people. too bad i missed most of it.

this weekend is also considered new years for most southeast asians, or perhaps all those countries who follow the buddhist calendar. all i know is that there's lots of food and partying. 'Songkran,' or water festival, is what happens every new year for thai. albeit, it's probably lost some of its traditional roots: i don't think buddha imagined rowdy folks spraying crowds of people with firehoses while dancing in the middle of urban streets. so, like the japanese tradition of 'Hanami' (flower viewing that occurs during mid-April), most of these traditional celebrations just seem like excuses to get drunk and have wild parties.

but i guess going to extremes is necessary sometimes in order to achieve a myriad of objectives: to have fun, or to forget your worries and sorrows, if only for one brief moment. if the world could disappear for one brief moment, and one's decisions could be made only with regard to one's instincts and feelings (and no one elses!), would life as it is now be any different from what i see? i wonder sometimes.

eh, but i tend to wonder about a lot of dumb things - perhaps out of boredom, or more perhaps to distract myself from what might really be bothering me. when left to my own devices, it just kind of naturally happens. lately, it's been happening after i've returned from a long day of working. it's about a twenty minute walk from my work-place to my apartment, and it's often on a secluded path during non-peak hours of pedestrian commute.

it just occured to me, as i was walking the other day, that i literally hadn't talked to anyone the entire day - somehow i managed to avoid opening my mouth. in some ways, it's a lonely feeling when one has managed to pull off such an unintended feat.

i'm recalling some passage from a book i read called, Winesburg, Ohio:

When she got to her own room she bolted the door and drew her dressing table across the doorway. Her body shook as with a chill and her hands trembled so that she had difficulty getting into her nightdress. When she got into bed she buried her face in the pillow and wept brokenheartedly.

"What is the matter with me? I will do something dreadful if I am not careful," she thought, and turning her face to the wall, began trying to force herself to face bravely the fact that many people must live and die alone, even in Winesburg."

i'm at a loss right now. perhaps this is the moment when inspiration will strike. another day, then.