sayajay.net

did you ever get the feeling that you had something one day, and today you wake up and that thing was gone? such was the feeling i was greeted with when i woke up this morning.

the dumbest thing is that i don't even know what it is, but clearly i feel that missing element somehow. i spent the greater part of this morning, during my classes no less (amidst a final exam and a rather extensive lecture), trying to point my eyes inward as if something had escaped and "jumped ship" in the middle of the night without my knowing it.

Leaving my second class, the cold weather and the incessant rain didn't help the mood. then i realized that i had forgotten my laptop, because of the post-partem stupor that took over my mind earlier upon waking up. it was in this very same stupor that i attempted to do my work...yet to no avail. i used my boss' computer, i opened up a page of code and stared blankly at the screen, in much the same manner in class and during my final exam earlier that day. something felt amiss inside of me - this is one of those moments when all agency leaves, and the only thoughts that one can hope for lead inward, only to be greeted by nothing.

i had been searching for a second job earlier that week. then, at that moment an employer called for an over-the-phone interview. great.

"huh?"
"i don't know" "what?" "could you say that again?"

smooth. real smooth. (^o^)/

my boss came in later that afternoon, took one look at me and suggested i take the rest of the day off. so i left, returned home to commiserate, only to fall asleep as i stared at the ceiling. i woke up 4 hours later, realizing i had an essay to write. i took off to the library and a similar episode ensued: an unusual blankness and lack of will that feels more deeply rooted than usual.

occasionally I feel degraded somehow, as if the only constancy that can be depended upon is somehow within myself, even when it is precisely that within which causes the most heart-ache. most things are not worth saying, perhaps best left far away from the light of day and the discourse of others. secret feelings are such because they remain within; i want to believe that only there can they be forgotten, since their remembrance only brings pain. what's the point in making oneself vulnerable; a secret is dropped, and a piece of me goes with it, subject to the interpretation of other people outside my mind, with no conception of my interior. i feel like a walking contradiction, and it's moments of contemplation like these that make me feel it the most unable to make up my mind. i try to find strength within myself, but often find myself looking for it in other places.

some things are best left forgotten. as i walk forward embracing a new day, i hope that i won?t repeat myself again.