sayajay.net

a restlessness as of late... finding myself up late at nights wondering if anyone is as awake too. wondering if i could reach out my hand and somehow find what i'm looking for, if indeed my trouble is that i'm searching for something. sometimes it's hard to tell.

but, why aren't you there when i need you?

i wonder if my appearance gives away the turmoil... if individual interiority can contain such something so worthless to everyone else, but so profound in the mind of the person holding it... i wonder, how much of what i look like betrays this inner reserve?

i'm listening to this song: "Final Distance," by Utada Hikaru. this one line is stuck in my head (oh yeah, its in japanese):

hito koto de konna ni mo kizutsuku kimi wa kodoku wo oshiete kureru

can a single word hurt this much? teach me loneliness...

the single word is "distance" like the distance between two individuals - an almost interminable distance even though that other person is just in sight. the distance between the outer and the inner. the distance between what i know and all that i am ignorant about.

... the distance between you and me?

when will i have the time to say how i feel? and who will listen when the time comes?

hmmm...i will probably feel better tomorrow.