sayajay.net

There are only so many ways that you can vent human frustration. When the loneliness sets in, there’s a reason for it. Try calling someone. My friends, maybe? If only I knew where they were, or how to reach them… at this point, perhaps it’s best to sit back and say the things that I can only express in my writing.

And yet it’s difficult at the same time. How do you put a word on how you feel? Does what I write affect how I feel? Do you believe in the Sepir-Whorf hypothesis? Being a cognitive science major, I hear about it every time I think about the linguistic aspect of my major: does language shape how I feel? Or does how I feel shape my language? That’s usually considered from a very empirical standpoint, but I’m talking about what I’m doing right now.

How do I feel? Frustrated. Alone. Tired. And yet...hopeful. There isn’t a single word, but many words that I use. And I have too many of them for the years that I’ve spent at Berkeley. Now that I’m graduating, I think about the future, and the huge emotional trip that I went through to become what I am now.

I wrote a story once, written from a first person perspective, called “Snapshots.” Admittedly, a lot of myself went into writing it. I was really concerned with how a person can exist in the memory of another person, and in what ways. See, when I’m feeling alone, I think about myself and other people, and how I can’t find them or can’t reach them – or how I don’t feel comfortable enough bearing a piece of my soul (if there is such a thing) to any of them. So, I wonder: do I persist in their memories? Do I exist in their memories anymore? To a degree, I think about the old axiom, “Out of sight, out of mind.” When I’m sitting in the dark, thinking – at that very moment – do my thoughts clash with another someone who is thinking about me as well?

i'm reminded of this book i read called "imagined communities," by benedict anderson. the topic centers around post-colonial southeast asia, and the various ways that technological advances in communication contributed to the notion of an "imagined community." the idea is simple: you can read a newspaper about the news from halfway across the world. you can read about other people - how they feel, and what they're doing. their thoughts are transported via an information medium that allows you to imagined what their lives are like. doing so entails a sense of community. it's a very interesting notion: that a single person can be affected by the thoughts and feelings of another individual that he or she has not even met and will never meet.

i have no doubt the internet helps in this respect. but in some ways, it might even feel more isolating to know that people are "at your fingertips" and still feel lonely.

such are the thoughts of the lonely. undoubtedly, i've been introspecting about the oneness of existence. i said earlier that i'm hopeful - partly because i want to believe that something about the future bodes well to break this cycle of thinking.

another day is waiting. hopefully, i'll find what i'm looking for.