sayajay.net

It's my birthday.

Maybe I should have started with that in the title. And I want to say that the fact that I'm writing a blog entry on my birthday says something about how I want to approach this "special day" this year. The fact is: I don't even remember a lot of my birthdays. Which is to say that they weren't ever very memorable affairs, to begin with. However, because of some latent persecution complex, I'll say that I'm a victim to wanting to adhere to social norms, and can't help myself from... feeling a certain way about this day when it comes about every year.

The pessimist in me makes me feel sad about past birthdays. The optimist in me insists that many of them were great and that I shouldn't dignify the bad ones by recalling them or writing about them.

As this train of thought careened out of control, as I was attempting to get to bed last night, it inevitably made me think: what the heck do I normally do on my birthday? So I scrounged my digital archive to get a glimpse into birthdays-past. Here's what I came up with.

July 3, 2004

I found an old entry from my blog archive:

i turned 22 years OLD this saturday. instead of sleeping in and cursing the anniversary of my conception, i thought i might acquire a few new things. so, i went to bed, bath, and beyond. i bought that mug and a black bath towel.

July 7, 2005

I found another blog entry that referenced my birthday, though I wrote it a few days afterward. Like many of my older entries, it was a cringe-filled read.

after returning home and resigning myself to having the rest of the day left to my own devices, i figure i should do something special! but alas, flying solo on special occasions kind of dampens the mood to celebrate. i order some spicy thai food and sit down to watch sappy korean and japanese soap operas.

And skipping over to the end:

but before digressing again, i might safely say: for one small moment in these recent days, i was happy. and thankful. there are seldom moments like these. i wish for more of them.

Hmm, I'm not sure what to make of this sentiment in retrospect.

This was also the year I went skydiving!!!!

2006 to 2009

This is when things get a little fuzzy because I essential have no record of what happened on my birthdays, though I do have some vague memories. See, this was the time I was in a relationship with Lisa, so I inevitably spent my birthday with her. I can't remember the gifts she bought me, or if there was anything special involved, parties or otherwise. One thing I do remember: she gave me a ROM cart for my Nintendo DS. I think I still have it, though it doesn't work anymore, and I don't remember what year (probably 2007 or 2008).

I think it was 2006, where I decided to go to work on my birthday. Normally, I almost always requested the day off from work, if it fell on a weekday. But that year I thought: I'm nothing special, I'm just gonna go into work.

And then I was immediately reminded why I took the day off. We went to a restaurant to have lunch with everyone, and everyone sang happy birthday to me inside the restaurant. Embarrassing as fuck, to say the least. And that's probably when I resolved to always take the day off from work on my birthday.

---

I seem to have an odd love-hate relationship with birthdays. Part of me says this has something to do with being vulnerable, and emotional availability. One the one hand: I like it when people know my birthday, send me wishes and messages or spend time with me. On the other hand: spending more than my fair share of birthdays alone and sad about the whole affair, I purposefully hide my birthdate and purposefully never mention it.

But I'm starting to wonder if that is, in some way, a defense mechanism. It's much easier to deal with the thought of being alone on my birthday if I don't remind anyone, or tell anyone. I'll tell myself, "I'm alone because I didn't tell anyone!", and maybe it gives me a strange sense of control over the whole situation. I always felt terrible though; doubly so when I felt selfish about wanting some attention.

In recent years, I've taken a more balanced approach: if birthdays are all about me, I should spend the day celebrating myself, and giving homage to the parts of my life that matter. This has usually taken the form of "reliving" or thinking about my happiest memories. For better or worse.

---

July 3, 2001

I just remembered this one. It was the summer after my first year in Berkeley. I was back in Stockton. Carrie had met a guy and was getting married. I don't remember how I found out, but she was having a kind of wedding / bridal shower thing. And she decided to have it on my birthday: July 3.

And then everyone from high school was there.

We even had a conversation about birthdays during that time. Someone even asked me when my birthday was.

I lied and said it had already past.

July 3, 2009

I have no record of what I did this year. The only thing that comes close is a blog entry from August 18, 2009. I had just broken up with Lisa. I don't remember if it was before or after my birthday that we broke up.

I guess this will be lost to the annals of time forever.

July 3, 2010

Another blog post for this year. Here are some choice quotes to illustrate how huge of an asshole I am:

The day so far

Uneventful. The flurry of messages have come in.

Naturally, the first one to call was mom. Other than that a steady stream of text messages and Facebook. No phone calls. It's also telling that the people I like the most didn't stop me a line. I half expected something.... I suppose that's my narcissism speaking. I wonder what they're doing....?

But the detail that I don't remember is this one:

On my way to see a new play. I hope that its humorous , because I could really use a pick me up right now. I wonder if I should have just stated home and played super Mario galaxy.

I don't even remember what play I went to see. That being said, I still have my copy of Super Mario Galaxy. Oddly enough, I still haven't finished that game.

July 3, 2011

This was a special year. It was the year I met Tomomi, and probably the birthday I remember most positively. And the topic of love and self-worth seemed to be one my mind quite a bit:

When I think of a relationship, I think about love. And I don't know why I want it so much, and why I want to have someone to love. I've never really questioned it [...] But what I didn't realize is that I can love someone, and someone can love me, and I can still be miserable [...]

I'd call this a rare bit of self-awareness.

The positive thing I remember most: she came over and made takoyaki for me. She spent the night. We went to see the fireworks for the 4th of July.

I confessed how much I loved her, and she became my girlfriend.

It was a great day.

2012, 2013, 2014

Here's where things get fuzzy: I have no idea how I spent my birthday on these years. No blog entries. No photos. Nothing.

Part of me thinks that breaking up with Tomomi had a bigger effect on me than I realized. When I think about these years after we parted ways, I can only think that I wasn't in a good place. She wasn't the only factor, but probably the biggest one.

July 3, 2015

Through Google Photos, I know that I was in Tokyo during this time. I booked myself into a super nice hotel in Odaiba, which had a super nice view of Tokyo Bay.

I ate tons of food.

I also indulged in the weirdness that is Japanese fast food: I went to Burger King and got a angry "Red Whopper".

Another notable highlight: I went to the Nippon Television building. I think it was mainly because I was obsessed with AKB48's TV show "AKBINGO", and I went to an outdoor area where I'd seen that they'd done filming.

Needless to say, this particular year wasn't fruitful when it came to introspection: I think I just drowned myself in excess, attempting to find joy in the things that used to make me really happy.

July 3, 2016

2015 and 2016 was when I first started fully working at my current workplace and, I'd like to think, on my way to recovering, and becoming a (relatively) happier person. If it weren't for these photos, I wouldn't have remembered what I did.

I made myself Takoyaki. I was probably still thinking about Tomomi, dramatically labeling it, "the last time I was really happy," and wanting to have that feeling again.

Sadly, that means that I have photographic evidence of how terrible my takoyaki making skills are:

I also bought myself Nintendo-themed Vans shoes, which I had forgotten about.

I don't remember anything else I did.

July 3, 2017

This birthday has to be one of the saddest things I don't remember. I bought a cake for myself. I even wrapped a present for myself too.

At the very least, I know what type of cake is my favorite.

I went for a walk and visited Ocean Beach, and it was a really cold day. I would rate the day a 6/10, but I don't remember what I was feeling, or what else I did that day.

July 3, 2018

On this episode of "feeling sorry for myself", and, "when was the last time I felt happy?", this year, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane; most notably, remembering the times I had spent with Yuki, exploring San Francisco and all the great memories I have of that time.

I just have a lot of nice photos of various parts of SF. At least the weather was nice enough to walk around that day. Here's a photo I have from around Fort Mason area:

Other than that, again, I don't remember any of note happening here.

July 3, 2019

I was in Japan. But it was very different this time.

Unlike in 2015, where I just wanted to drown myself in excess, I felt that 2019 was very different because:

• I was feeling a lot better about life in general
• I felt that I appreciated being in Japan much more than I did before since I hadn't been able to get there last two years.
• I combined my idea of being introspective and visiting areas that had great memories or were thought-provoking

This entire trip was a series of firsts and, I want to say, probably my favorite trip to Japan so far, for the following reasons:

• I visited Himeji for the first time and was completely blown away by how beautiful it was. The first moments walking out the station, and seeing the castle in the distance was an amazing experience - something I hadn't felt about being in Japan for a long time.
• I reconnected with Tomomi after so many years of not seeing her. I don't know where our relationship stands, but seeing her after all this time made me happy.
• I took a long walk down the Philosopher's Path in Kyoto. It was hot as hell (as is the case with summer in Japan); I'd like to think that aptly named "Philosopher's Path" made me more introspective, but eh......
• I also visited Sapporo in Hokkaido, for the first time, and I was attacked by a crow.

---

And now, here we are, in 2020. What's different about my happy birthday this year?

• I'm writing about it.
• The corona-virus pandemic has made it so that I basically can't go outside.
• I got up at 6 am this morning. That's different than every year of my life before now.

It's still morning, so there's still a lot of the day to go. I'll consider this blog post my attempt to sort through the feelings of the day. But rather than wishing for something great to happen, or trying hard to make the day great, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to just spend the day like any other day, and practice that gratitude that I've pushing toward this entire year.

I did get myself a present though - not meaningful in any way, just a few tidbits from my amazon japan wishlist.

I'd like some ice cream though. I think I will do that.