sayajay.net

i have a lao name (which appears as my middle name on my social security card, but as my first name on my birth certificate; weird, i know), which is apparently the composite of two words:

"mano" - peace (also means inertia, i'm told)
"tham" - justice

peace and justice? my name means peace and justice. hmm, okay. maybe i should be a superhero and not a engineer/writer. peace: what's that mean? quiet. solitude. loneliness. nothing bad ever happening. justice? again i don't know. fairness seems like a better word: as in, life isn't fair?

as the saying goes, one learns something new everyday. these past few days, i have been exposed to exorbitant amounts of learning: mostly useless tidbits (i.e. like the meaning of my lao name). but here's two more things that i've (re)learned about myself recently:

• "you're not a very friendly person."
• "you talk too slow."

how to take this i'm not sure. i was quite aware of both to begin with, but who i was "then" and who i am now doesn't seem commensurate anymore. likely, i can only half-heartedly agree with these two facts. i've been probing into my insecurities and strengths, and deep into myself; thinking about the future and putting my plans into action seem to require this type of introspection. how to bring those hidden feelings out - to explicate them, to match words with emotions - is another thing that i think i will never master. what else can you say about a feeling when the feeling itself is simply indescribable?

these bouts of introspection usually happen with me laying on my bed or blankly staring at a book that's held in front of me. mostly at home, which is a very important place for me. it's a sanctuary of sorts, one of the few that i can safely claim as my own. ever since i've moved and attended college, having a private "home" for myself has been increasingly difficult to attain. it definitely wasn't at my parents' house. when i moved, i took along almost everything that i had; my entire life moved with me. wherever i happened to live or reside was my home, even as uncomfortable and insecure as that seems sometimes.

i live in a studio apartment now, with an unbearable living situation. is this my home? yes, i think it is. only, when it hurts to be here, it is more troubling that anything else could possibly be.

like i said before, i believed that who i was "then" and who i am now aren't commensurate. i wonder: am i stronger than i was? what does it mean to be strong?

well, one trivial implication is that you can protect yourself if you're strong enough. i was watching an anime series called saikano that talks about this very same theme. it's basically about two lovers who get separated during a time of war. Chise (the girl) continually fights in the battlefield because she says that she wants to become stronger and stronger. it seems like such futile endeavor in many respects. she's able to defend herself from physical harm, but she's never strong enough to protect herself from the pain within.

years ago, my sister was telling me about her friend Mei. mei was lying in her bed one night. for no reason at all, she started thinking about all the people in her life: the people that she loved or liked, the people that cared for her, and all the people that she had loved and loved her in return. mei started crying because she claimed, at that very moment, her heart was more full than it had ever been before.

the last person i thought i loved is now an english professor at some far off university. what of her now? ...even when the subtleties still remain in my heart. have they become a standard which i judge other potentials? i'm not sure... but i always think about how i could almost never talk to anyone else in the same way anymore.

the subtleties are the same. her voice. her face. the way she wrote. her intellect. her heart?

in many ways, sometimes there is so much inside of me, i feel that my heart is filled as well.

doubtlessly, my thoughts have been swirling about me crazily. spring break is next week! i think that that will give me some time to reflect... amidst doing my compSci project and english essay that are both due monday after spring break

:(