random incidents
October 5, 2004, 10:54 PM
too much time has passed. i've been meaning to write something, but haven't the heart or the motivation to do so. lately, at random points throughout my day, usually whenever the urge strikes me, i start writing something about that very moment.
there's this interesting psychological paradox -- well, no one really thinks about it in that way, but it seems paradoxial in my opinion. think of a relationship between a dog and his master - and that common saying, "man's best friend." the master starts beating his dog. instead of running away in fear, the dog cowers even closer to his master's feet ... what can one say about this? one way to think about it: usually, the dog only has his master from which to seek comfort... but what does he do when the very thing he seeks comfort from (i.e. his master) is causing him this pain?
after she apologized, a memory shot through my head. perhaps it was nostalgia. or some other word that's not coming to mind right now. there's "no way to say." because of the the ever elusive "inside" - there's no way to put words on it. but that never seems to stop me from trying; although sometimes i wonder if i should just give it all up.
i wanted to stop, turn around, and expound an entire world to that person.
before, it used to be that no opportunity arose when i could do such a thing. and now - how should it be said? - in my self-conscious mind, my silence is something that doesn't need to be forced anymore.
smile and say, "peachy." anything beyond that might as well stay within me.
i was at costco the other day. normally, these costco sprees of mine border on excess the last time was certainly no exception to that rule. it was crowded, as always, and my tab exceeded no less than $150 (as always...).
was struck me was the excessive amount of thai and japanese speakers i ran into (rather - whose conversations i overheard that day). naturally, one out of every six person i saw was chinese. who would have thought...?
eating seems to help ease stress and anxiety. after having spent $224 at costco, my room is drowning in food. it's only a matter of time before that stress and anxiety is converted to excess fat and carbohydrates safely stored in my body.
please! please!! may the seratonergic and dopamine gods bless me somehow. let not this pricey mountain of food go to waste (for i am a college student, afte all -- but then again, i might as well be starving, eh?).
learning things that are relevant to one's current life situation seems like very normal endeavour. i acquired a book called, "making out in japanese," the other day - a thin manual of everyday lingo. too bad i already knew 80% of the phrases in there.
傷づく
ki-zu-tsu-ku
to be hurt
疲れる
tsu-ka-re-ru
to be tired
心
ko-ko-ro
heart
孤独
ko-do-ku
solitude
寂しい
sa-bi-shii
lonely
--
after a non-exhaustive search, still can't seem to find it. what could that thing be?
returning to my parents home, i sometimes feel something of what that thing could be. it's the feeling received when i look at my parents, and wonder what drives them. the condition of seeing them moves something inside that didn't used to arise before.
the same feeling arises when i pass by wheeler hall and look at that window on the fourth floor; or even the FSM cafe where we used to sit.
being in the middle of a dream yields something like it. but then the feeling transforms into something like loss when i realize it's a dream and i return to my "proper senses."
i feel something like it right now -- when i write i mean. something that hurts, something one likes doing, or something that compels you to do it for the sake of the results.
jumping from place to place, lately, and i don't know where to land or where this is leading. but i guess one can never really know that anyway.
\ (^o^) /
"aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh"
this is a likness of me yelling the aformentioned phrase, with my arms flying up as a i fall over backwards.
perhaps another day